Sunday, October 24, 2010

Intangible

I allude to a presence yet
am consumed by
empty isolation
exhausted by
self obsessed fear

Am blinded by the lie
desperate to
escape deception

to be able to feel
that which gave me life
that beats my heart
and gives me breath

they say I we are
promised freedom
what I have is a
gnawing emptiness

lost in illusion
essentially ineffectual
in creation of my
own happiness
my own love

overwhelmed
by a world
I don't understand
trapped in my mind

I want to know
yet doubt
you are
everything and everywhere

I need to know
to hear you
to feel a presence within
my heart and mind

I want to feel your touch
giving me life
giving me strength
to unlock my heart
my life
my love

to set me free
I offer myself to thee



Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Midnight Run

90 miles an hour on the freeway,
Marina del rey to Hollywood on a
balmy summer night.
All the windows rolled down
I’m flying in my 67 mustang
with baby moon rims.
Cool as fuck.

Gotta get to
Hollywood, pronto.
Flying under the radar,
in the zone, the sweet spot.
I’m lovin being one with
my car,
with the highway,
the universe.
I’m a highway child.

Sudden jolt of reality,
queasy internal panic.
Quick check of the rear view,
Coast is clear.
I exhale and
get glimpse of my face.
Whoa! Scary and wild eyed.
Not good.

Maintain woman,
I think as I check myself.
Slow down highway child.
You’re not a child anymore
slow the fuck down.

Shit, I’m holding,
I recall as if its news to me.
Smack, speed, ecstasy, blow &
2 fifths of vodka. One opened
sitting between my legs
Fuckin hell!
could I be anymore of a bust?

Abrupt anxious paranoia
again I check the
rear view for the man.
The coast is clear.
I take a deep breath,
exhale, and then lean back.

Voice in my head says
you’re all good.
Floor it.
Better than good you’re fine!
Better than fine.
Untouchable.
Gotta get there fast
Fly girl fly

Floor it!
The voice in my head yells,
You’re flying stealth.
Under the radar like
Nighthawk.

You are so money,
I think to myself,
got the reflexes of a cat.
Shoulda been a race car driver.
Speed demon jesus always
looking out for you, sugar
hit it!

The One That Got Away

For my friend Sam who would rave about a woman he’d see walking in his Venice neighborhood. Often times they passed each other on the street, but he never spoke up and said hello. Instead he’d call and obsessively talk about her. This went on for months and months. From all that he told me I wrote this for them. He deemed it a lost cause without taking a chance. He’d just wait, watch, and dream.


The One That Got Away


Her timeless beauty took my breath away at first sight.
Her eyes danced as she stood scanning the street.
I like her mischievous knowing grin and confident stride.


You can tell she’s trouble by the way her
head falls back when she laughs.
A good kind of trouble.
The kind you want to be a part of.
The kind you’re lucky to be a part of.


She could be a classic dancer,
that’s my guess, I bet she is.
You can see she’s got talent.
Undeniable flair.


Her fiery red hair undulates as she glides
gracefully down the street.
As though all in her world is a breeze.
Effortlessly she navigates the Venice Beach crowd as
if they feel her gravity, her atmospheric pull.


Radiant, vivacious, she lights up the street.
The stars ain’t got nothing on her.


I love her big full lips, so ripe with passion.
I long to be the one that brushes that few strands of
wind blown hair from her mouth and
explore the softness of her mouth with mine.


Her countenance intimidates me.
We are worlds apart, yet mere inches away.
Do you think she notices me.
Does she know I look for her?
Can she see my excitement?
Sense electricity as she passes by?
I do.


How I’d love to dance with her.
Take her in my arms and hold her tight.
Together we’d sway. I’d hold her close.
I would feel her heartbeat as
we moved together in
the moonlight.


Seeing her gives me butterflies and sparks of excitement
followed by regret as she walks past me in silence.
At times I get a quick glance and a hurried half smile.


Why don"t I talk to her?
Just open my mouth and see.


Or is it that I know its
just not meant
to be

Loneliness

More familiar than my mother's voice
More distinct than a lovers caress

As much a part of me
as the color of my eyes
and the blood in my veins.

The only constant in my life
It's grown with me through the years.

Like a force field it surrounds me,
protecting itself
insulating me

from joy,
from laughter,
from life,
and love

Foolishly,I deny it
I act like it doesn't exist

pretend that I'm not immersed
in the chill of separation it created
for me since
childhood

only to return to the truth,
my truth
that I am plagued by this darkness
that enveloped me since my beginning

invading my heart
spreading beyond my physical being
surrounding me,
holding me,
suffocating me,
seducing me.

It says we will never be apart
that no one will ever know me the way it does
that no one will ever touch me the way it does
that no one will ever live
in my heart the way it does.

I comply
give in

surrender to
it's coercion
and die

a
silent
death

night
by
night

Sunday, August 29, 2010

forsaken (a poem for my brother)

surprise phone call

back of mind convoluted knowing

one day expected news too soon

intellectual denial kickin

don't want to deal

life of past thoughts unwavering

memories unwanted flooding

moved away…self preservation…got out

time flies…separate lives

barely aware

thoughts turn…wonder how

beautiful children are… related blood

undoubtedly gifted …surely tormented…restless spirits

snap to present…get in car…pick up sister

long winding arduous memory filled serious drive

remember…thoughts of…brother who read to me

jr. world book encyclopedias…a to z…patient caring

sweltering summer heat…unfamiliar rolling hills…small medical center

death smell hospital …anguished faced family…pain filled glazed eyes

irritated impatient nurses jaded…absent doctors

brother relinquished in hospital bed…horrified by sight…lifeless life support body

choked up…unexpected involuntary...convulsive feelings escaping

feelings of regret...overwhelmed intense forgotten sadness spilling

wondering what happened…changed him as a child

caused him so much pain…to strike…retaliate

to the world…seeming uncaring…bullying

thirst for spiritual answers…redemption …a father…seeking

old world wisdom…intelligent information create…arrogance

unrealistic view...inferiority superiority

cause chaos…tap into sublime…occasional knowing

so much suffering…ended

death

release